Brother John

 Spanish version
Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the head of the monastery said,
-"Brother, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak untilI direct you to do so." Brother John lived in the monastery for a full year being told he could speak
-"Brother John, you've been here a year now, you may speak two words." Brother John said,
-"Hard bed."
-"I'm sorry to hear that," said the elder man. "We will get you a better bed."
The next year, Brother John was called in and told,
"You may say another two words."
-"Cold Food" said Brother John, at which time he was assured the food would be better in the future.
On his third anniversary at the monastery, Brother John was called in for his annual appearance. "Two words may be said."
-"I quit," said Brother John.
-"It's probably best," said the older priest.
"All you've done since you got here is complain."

The lawyer and the blonde

 		Spanish version
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer look at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows.
All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep

Confession

 		Spanish version
This married man went to confession and he told the priest, "I had an affair with a woman ... almost."
The priest said, "What do you mean 'almost?'" The man said "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest replied, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box."
The man left the confessional, went over and said his prayers, then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching him, quickly ran over to him and said "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and that's the same as putting it in!"

Triple Procession

 		Spanish version
Tom was on the side of the road and noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by another long black hearse about 50 feet back.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind that were 200 men walking single file.
Tom couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:
"Sir, I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" The man replied "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."
Tom asked, "What happened to her?" Tom inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned and bit her and she died."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
Tom asks, "Sir, could I borrow that dog?"
He replied, "Get in line."

Divine Right

 		Spanish version
Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it.
A few moments later, the lady reappears, wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse."
"But Father, I have a divine right," she informs.
"Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church!" he insists.

Confession in Ireland

 		Spanish version
The scene is old Ireland as Ohara, the town drunk, stumbles up the stairs of the ancient stone church.
Father Flaherty, seeing this, says to himself; "I cant believe this! Ohara hasn't been to church in twenty years."
The good priest is even more astonished as Ohara stumbles into the confessional box. Committed to his duties, Father Flaherty enters the Confessional, slides the panel and says; "How may I help you my son."
Ohara responds; "Who the hell is that."
The priest replies; "Why it's Father Flaherty!"
With a sigh of relief, Ohara says; Oh! Thank God it's you Father. Is there any toilet paper on your side?"

Different beliefs

 		Spanish version
Father O'Malley was having dinner with his good friend Rabbi Stern.
Naturally the conversation turned to the differences in their beliefs.
Teasing, the good Father asked the Rabbi, "When are you going to break down and taste some pork?"
The Rabbi replied, "At your wedding, Father. At your wedding."

Headache

 		Spanish version
The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache".
"Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!"

Suicide

 		Spanish version
Ethel was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would kill herself and join him in heaven.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was already so badly broken. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. Later that night, Ethel was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee............

God and Adam

 		Spanish version
God: Adam, I am going to create a perfect woman for you. She will clean the house, cook, take care of the children, treat you like a king. She will be obedient, she will never talk back or argue with you. She will not waste money. She will also be very pretty and sweet.

Adam: God, how much is this perfect woman going to cost me?

God: An arm and a leg.

Adam: Humm......God, what can I get for a rib?