Muy Bueno
    Muy Bueno

 

YOU MAY BE A CUBANAZO IF ...

 
You have been seen on Channel 7 shouting "NO CASTRO, NO PROBLEM"
Your favorite song is "CABALLO VIEJO"
You constantly say "EN CUBA NO PASABA ESO, ETC., ETC."
You are fishing for shrimp at Biscayne Bay under a full moon.
You wear a heavy duty, 18 karat gold chain with a medal the size of a dinner plate.
Your idea of "formal" is wearing a "GUAYABERA".
Your favorite words are "OYE" or "VEN ACA" when you are right next to the person.
You think the perfect family should resemble the "QUE PASA USA" family.
Your tradition is to kill a pig and roast it in the backyard on Christmas Eve.
You call Beck's beer "LLAVE".
You are a registered Republican.
You wake up to the shrieking of roosters in your backyard.
You have used the terms "ACERE, MI SOCIAL, CONSORTE" within the last week.
Your idea of a soft drink is MALTA HATUEY
Your favorite flavors of milkshakes are MAMEY, PAPAYA or GUANABANA
Your favorite Sunday sports is DOMINOS All the pre-sets in your car radio are set to "WQBA, WAQI, WCMQ, RADIO FE".
You constantly say: "FIDEL SE CAE ESTE AŅO".
You have been in the US for 19 years and still don't speak English.
Your retirement fund is buying a "LOTTO TICKET" every Saturday.
You go to your family's friend or friend's funeral to tell jokes and socialize.
You smoke cigars that are longer than your arm.
You wear several gold rings, a very wide watch and a heavy gold wrist chain.
You pay $15,000 for your daughter's "QUINCES" and the affair was extremely tacky.
You hire a prostitute for your 14 year old son, so he can enter into manhood.
You are a mechanic and your ship is your yard.
vYou still wear your shirt collar over your suit.
You think "CREOLINA" and "VICKS VAPOR RUB" are the greatest inventions of all time.
You use words like "BIPEAME, FAXEAME, SHIPEAME and TAIPEAME".
You dye your gray hair (if any) and mustache with jet black ink.
You tell everyone you had central air conditioning in your house in Cuba.
You look forward to watching "SABADO GIGANTE" every Saturday night.
You wear black see through "CASINO ONE" type socks and white vinyl shoes.
You clean your teeth with a toothpick in public after eating.
You tell your wife "MAMI, HAZME CAFE Y TRAEME AGUA".
Your wife uses really big rollers in her hair.
You say "LA VAQUITA" instead of "FARM STORES".
You don't believe in "BRUJERIA" but respect it anyway.
You use redundant expressions like "ME CAGO EN LA MIERDA".
You have the entire "HANSEL Y RAUL" collection.
You have a chemical dependency to "CUBAN COFFEE" after every meal.
You have use of the word "JEVA".
You have religious statues in your house taller than you.
You have a peculiar passion for wrist watches.
You call Publix, "EL PUBLIE".
If you have ever been hit by a CHANCLETA.
If you grew up scared of something called "EL COCO ".
If you know the meaning of "NO DA PIE CON BOLA".
If others tell you to stop screaming when you're really talking.
If you've ever left grass for the camels on the night of January 6th instead of leaving cookies and milk for Santa on Christmas Eve.
If you light a candle on the night of the lotto drawing.
If dinner usually consists of rice, beans and some kind of meat.
If you have ever used your nose or lips to point something out.
If you've ever dropped food on the floor, picked it up, ate it after saying, "lo que no mata, engorda".
If you constantly refer to cereal as "CON FLEI "
If you've ever gone outside your house with rolos y chancletas.
If you've ever been hit with la CORREA.
If you know your mom is sneaking up on you because you hear the "clack-clack" of her chancletas.
If your mother yells at the top of her lungs to call you to dinner even if you live in a one-bedroom apartment.
If you can get to your house blindfolded because the smell of chuletas is so strong.
If your house has all of those little figurines that take up every inch of space on/under the tv and you have either one of the following: a porcelain cat, dog, coqui, or elephant in your living room.
If your mother, tia, or hermana's hair is blackcherry,"sun in", red, or a burgundy that would make Celia Cruz jealous.
If you can dance merengue, cumbia, and salsa without music.
If you use manteca instead of olive oil and can't figure out why your butt is getting bigger.
If you just can't imagine anyone not liking spanish food.
If you've been in a two-passenger car with over seven people in it, with a person shouting, "caben mas!"
If you call your sneakers "TENIS".
If you have at least thirty cousins.
If you consider platanos to be a food group.
If you live in "GUASHINGTON HEIGHTS", or even know where it is.
If you're constantly comparing things here to things in Cuba and affirming Cuba's were better.
If for a BBQ at the park or beach, you bring tamales, gigantic ollas of Congri, Yuca y Carne de Puerco (don't forget el mojo!)
If to the above outing you bring la cafetera o el thermos con el cafe.
If you wear a Guayabera with shorts, nylon socks and dress shoes or strappy sandals.
If at least 3 men in your familia are named Pepe and you have tias named Fefa, Cuquita or Juana.
If los viejos in your familia play dominoes, fuman tabaco and talk about how good Cuba was before Castro.
If at every cumpleanos or bautizo there is an assortment of pastelitos de carne, guayaba, croqueticas and bocaditos, and they are placed en la mesa next to el cake, so they come out en la foto to your primos en Cuba.
If when your Mami gets pissed she yells, "Me cago en la madre que los pario" (don't forget la chancleta!)
If to describe a place that was far away you say it was "en casa del carajo"
If you don't pronounce your R's - as in parque, carne, etc. but like to criticar the way other hispanos hablan.
If you say "No jodas, Chico" o "Le ronca el mango", to express dismay.
If the top 3 TV shows are Christina, Sabado Gigante and Walter Mercado and you watch todas las novelas.
If you come out from la casa de tu mama, tia or abuela smelling like sazon, bistec empanizado, or platanitos maduros fritos (or any fried food for that matter!)
If you always have Guayaba con Queso in your casa and eat it as a dessert.
If you live in NY but your padres cross el puente "Tapanes Si" (Tappan Zee) to go to "Bergenline" in "Nu Jersi" to go to la bodega and buy la carne.
If you go to la cafeteria and te comes una media noche, una frita and you drink un batido de Mamey (no wonder Cuban women have big asses!)
If you eat Arroz con Picadillo at least once a week
If you made the arroz in the rice cooker you have sitting on your kitchen counter.
If you go to Miami or Hialeah to visitar your familia every July, or to Union City to visit your familia if your in Florida
If Santa Barbara, San Lazaro or La Virgen de la Caridad are part of your living room decor, your patio or front of la casa AND your amigos Americanos think the caramelos, Apples and Bananas are snacks.
If there is a BIG picture of your hermana's 15th along with everybody's foto de boda or communion en la sala.
If your suegra still treats your marido o novio like their little baby boy (even though he is a 35+ year old manganzon).
If in every bano there is a latica de melocoton or little bucket under the sink.....(chicas we know this one!).
If every New Year's Eve you wait till las doces to eat las 12 uvas.
If your bebe smells like violetas, and wears a "Dios me Bendiga" pin with an Azabache, or a cadena with medallas of all the saints.
If you put a mosquitero around your baby's cuna, even though there are NO mosquitos in your casa.
If when you have a dolor de barriga, your abuela makes you pure de Malangas or gives you Tilo or Manzanilla for all ailments.
If you grew up thinking that if you went en la playa swimming or took a shower after una jartera you would get an "embolia" and die. When you have your period you're not allowed to wash your hair or walk barefoot, because everybody knows that one girl in their town in Cuba that went crazy because she didn't follow this rule.
You NEVER work Good Friday and you don't sweep the house or use a scissor or a knife on that day !