YOU KNOW YOU'RE A LATINO IF...

 

	You have ever been spanked with chanclas.
	You have later been spanked with the plancha chord.
	You know your mom is sneaking up on you because you can hear her chanclas on the linoleum floor.
	Your mother yells at the top of her lungs to call you to dinner and you only live in a one bedroom apartment.
	You can get to your house blindfolded by the smell of the chuletas.
	You light a candle the night of the Lotto drawing.
	You get scared whenever someone mentions "el cucuuuuiii".
	You go to the Pulga or Swapmeet every weekend for gear. (Two points if you actually enjoy it!)
	Go to a function and judge the women's fashions (wearing a sequence butterfly print top you got from the pulga.)
	You have gone to Titi's house and passed through the beaded curtain in the living room.
	You step into a house that has all those little figurines taking up every inch of space on/under the TV and you have a porcelain cat, dog, Buddha or elephant in your livingroom.
	You have plastic slipcovers on your sofas.
	You swear "Choco Mil" is the same as Slim Fast and try to lose weight by drinking it.
	You have a perpetually drunk uncle.
	You're still afraid to open that umbrella in your house.
	You know at least one person in your family named Maria, Carlos, Papo, Juan, Jose, Tony, Tito or Luis.
	You not only know who Don Francisco from Sabado Gigante is, but you tell people he's your tio.
	Your mother, tia or hermana's hair is blackcherry, "Sun in" red or a burgundy that would make Celia Cruz jealous.
	You always try to find out what town another fellow Latino's family is from.
	You call: rug -carpeta; roof
	rufo; parking
	parking, libreria instead of biblioteca
	or to knock
	knockiar and chips-ruffles.
	You have ever had to -beepiar
	a friend on their pager.
	You wear your Sunday best to do laundry at the laundrymat and go grocery shopping.
	You have told your kid not to walk the floor barefoot or they'll catch a cold.
	Your tia Chencha thinks that silver banana clips are on Vogue's hot list for hair.
	You go to a wedding or Quiencienera, gossip about how bad the comida is, but be the first to take a plato to go.
	You drink all beer with limon and salt. (Two extra points for a splash of Tapatio)
	Your sister has more mustache hair than your father.
	One of your aunts or mom weighs over 300 pounds.
	You have a bottle of Tapatio in your purse.
	Your cousins are delinquents/hootchies.
	You have a chola in your barrio named "La Flaca: who's bigger than a house.
	You think Cristina trumps Oprah any day.
	Your uncle owns more gold than that jewelry shop down the street.
	You have your country's flag hanging from your rear view mirror.
	You have a cousin named "Guero" who's darker than night.
	You know a chola named "La Shy Girl" who is loud and obnoxious.
	Your mom made you put lettuce under your bed the night before Three King's Day so that the camels had something to eat and they leave you a gift in return.
	Your family never lets you forget the day you missed Mother's Day.
	You need to point out how much something you just bought cost.
	You can dance merengue, cumbia and salsa without music.
	You go to at least 3 weddings a year.
	You use manteca instead of olive oil and can't figure out why your ass is getting bigger.
	You dread those boring stays with family in the campo.
	You just can't imagine anyone not liking Spanish food.
	You go to a white friends house for dinner and dont understand the concept of sitting at a table.
	You've tried to bring a mango back to the US from Mexico, and a bonus point if you actually made it all the way home with it.
	You have sat in a two-passenger car with over seven people in it.
	You have a bottle of Bacardi or Tequila in your house right now.
	You have a picture of Jesucristo in your house.
	You have at least TWO statues of saints in your house (and a bonus point if one of them La Virgen de Guadalupe).
	You go to Church on Easter, Christmas and New Years just to see what everyone is wearing and find out all the latest chisme.
	You're an adult and you're still forced to be with your family at 12 midnight on New Years Eve.
	You walk around saying chacho, chacha, ay bendito or Buey.
	You get anothers attention by saying "chhh chhh" or "Pssssst."
	You drive a Cheby(Chevy), an Ohsmobeel (Oldsmobile) or a Bolswahgon (VolksWagen).
	You call your sneakers tenis.
	Your car has fifteen speakers in it and you fix it every weekend.
	You have at least thirty cousins.
	You sit more then 10 people in a 5 person car.
	You start clapping when your plane lands on the runway.
	And last, but not least your grandmother thinks she has the miracle cure for everything.